Monday, January 2, 2012

The Peanut Butter Personality Test

Tell me what peanut butter lies in your refrigerator or cupboard, and I will tell you who you are.

Skippy ('regular,' either chunky or smooth varieties)

You ate A LOT of peanut butter sandwiches as a kid. You may have been one of those kids who would ONLY eat peanut butter sandwiches with grape or strawberry jelly.  You're change-resistant when it comes to food.  You never use peanut butter in savory applications, with the possible exception of peanut butter on celery.  You have a strong preference for either smooth or chunky and never deviate. You may have a special ritual for eating peanut butter sandwiches, although sometimes you do go crazy and have peanut butter and banana or peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.

Jif ('regular,' either chunky or smooth varieties)

You will specifically NOT buy peanut butter if it isn't Jif.  You have a sweeter-than-average palate than the typical diner.  You bake a lot. Your parents may have used Skippy.  You're more flexible about the crunchy-smooth texture thing, but you always use Jif.

Peter Pan
You buy your peanut butter in bulk containers at Costco. Peanut butter for you is a purely functional pantry item, kind of like chicken bullion cubes.  You probably have kids.  You make peanut butter and Fluff sandwiches for your kids, and finish off what your kids don't eat, but you seldom eat peanut butter or cook with it on your own. You buy creamy, but only because your kids won't eat anything but creamy.

Smart Balance
Your cardiologist put you on a strict diet.  You're elderly and grumpy. This peanut butter tastes really gross, even on honey or bacon.  Even WITH honey or bacon.  It doesn't matter if you buy smooth or creamy.  They both suck and taste slightly fishy. But not as bad as Jiff with Omega-3 fatty acids, which lists tilapia gelatin and anchovy and sardine oil as part of its ingredients.

Smucker's All-Natural Peanut Butter
You feel guilty and are trying to eat healthfully, but not really. Your refrigerator has lots of Yoplait Lite dessert- flavored yogurt.  You eat this stuff with bacon or on French toast late at night.

'Low-fat' peanut butter (any variety)

What the fuck?  Are you living in the 80s or something?  Everyone knows that low-fat peanut butter has more sugar than regular peanut butter, and just as many calories.  Throw out your Lean Cuisines and move into the 21st century.  Throw away those 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' t-shirts, too.

A 'natural' commercial brand version of Skippy or Jif like 'Simply Jif,' ' Jif Natural ,' ' Skippy Natural '
You want to eat 'clean' but really have the palate of a five-year-old. You eat a lot of gummi bears and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. New foods kind of scare you so Morningstar vegetarian fake chicken nuggets are your compromise, instead of McDonald's.

The Peanut Butter Company's flavored peanut butters (white chocolate, cinnamon, dark chocolate, and so forth)
You have a raging eating disorder. The peanut butter never makes it into any applications, even toast.  You think none of your co-workers know that you puke up the candy you buy from the vending machine at 3pm in the remote bathroom on the fifth floor every day.  Peanut butter does not need added chocolate, even before you apply it to candy.  Get help.

Small-scale brands of peanut butter with only 'peanuts' as an ingredient
You try to maintain your public image as a 'clean' eater, but secretly hate quinoa.

You eat almond butter.
You're probably a yoga teacher.

You prefer Nutella to peanut butter and don't get what this peanut butter fuss is all about
You're European and reading this post in your second language. Or you're faux European and pepper your speech with French phrases and references to obscure movies with subtitles. You can eat a croissant smeared with Nutella and leave half of it on your plate.  Your fat American co-workers hate you.

You have a container of cashew butter, macadamia nut butter, walnut butter, or another, more obscure 'nut' butter
You self-identify as a 'foodie' and check food blogs, recipe websites, and food news sites all day at work. Then you eat this stuff, standing at the refrigerator with a spoon after bookmarking a recipe for cashew chicken.


  1. I don't have any peanut butter in the house (I was told that as someone allergic to mold I should avoid peanuts and cashews in all forms since they are notorious carriers of mold), but when I did I had a natural peanut butter, usually Adams since that was what I could easily get.

    I don't hate quinoa, but I don't think it's as good as oatmeal, rice or polenta by a long shot.

  2. @CatBoy--I wonder if some of the peanut allergies that are diagnosed today are actually mold-related. Like you, when I buy peanut butter I buy a 'natural' off-market brand (Wegmans natural or Crazy Richard's). I'm afraid I just don't 'get' quinoa, taste-wise. It doesn't have a prayer to compete with the other grains you listed.

  3. I have regular Jif and that profile is scarily accurate, except that I'm only an occasional baker. I will sometimes buy Nutella, but I find that if you don't use it up quickly, it turns to plastic. Also I used to work with a woman from Sweden who would eat half a brioche spread with Nutella. She was very nice, but we hated her.

  4. @flurrious--wow! That's really cool that the profile was accurate! And from the sound of your blog, you do seem to bake more than the average person (as the average is often 'not at all'). Regarding that woman from Sweden--I know JUST the type you're talking about. Perhaps so many buttery goods exist in that area of the world, they just grow immune to the power of lipids.

  5. I don't think I'd make it too long without Peanut Butter. My PB of choice is Kraft Smooth, Regular and Natural (100% peanuts). I really do hold it in quite high regards as most other PBs I have tried (including some on your list) I don't really like (though I'll likely eat any I can get my hands on :)). And eating disorders aside, the White Chocolate PB from PB and Co is awesome :). Though I did eat most of it with a spoon ;)-- then again, I probably eat most of my PB with a spoon :).

  6. @Adam--so of course, never having had Kraft, I had to Google 'Kraft peanut butter.' And of course, I'm taken to the Kraft Canada website! We have so many peanut butters in the US, but no Kraft! It looks good (I love the little bears on the label)! What I look for in a nut butter is something that is natural, not sweet (no added sugar) but still has a smokey, roasted quality of salted peanuts versus the punitive taste of raw almonds. I do know that the white chocolate pb has many fans, though (taking my tongue out of my cheek).

  7. Yeah, it's Canada only, I love it to death. The regular has added sugar and salt, but its not nearly as sweet as Jif. I love the flavour of Kraft pb but also that its so smooth, even the 100% peanuts version is the smoothest I've eaten. Sooooo good :). I even wrote a blog post about it last March. Insanity = Check :).

  8. @Adam--now that I've read your review I'm even more jealous! Although Crazy Richard's and Wegmans' natural are my favorites for eating, I have to buy a 'regular' variety for baking, because the oil separation is too extreme in those varieties. Kraft sounds awesome if it has a genuine 'peanut' (versus molasses) flavor yet doesn't force the baker to mix the peanut butter as well as the batter!

  9. LOVE IT! I'm a Skippy PB girl and it's so true--my mother in law had an old jar of Jif and I wouldn't touch it because it wasn't PB enough!

    And the white chocolate PB raging eating disorder--laughed so hard I cried.

  10. @The Blonde Duck--thank you so much! I was actually raised on Skippy as well and as a kid was totally weirded-out by Jif! Thank you so much for tweeting this post!

  11. Wow! This was pretty accurate! Want to know what's funny? I bought a jar of Peanut Butter Company's Dark Chocolate Dreams last night, binged on the entire thing and puked it up in the same night! Ha ha ha! I guess you could say I have a 'raging eating disorder!'

    (I'm being totally serious)

  12. Actually - it's really, really weird that I found this article when I did, because I'm being entirely honest in my comment. I just wish I could enjoy peanut butter like a normal person.

    (I'm getting help, so need to say anything).

  13. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who says something like this, but I use PB2, a dehydrated peanut butter that you reconstitute with water. I'm on Weight Watchers and real peanut butter is death on the points, and PB2 has 85 percent less fat and calories, so I can do marvelous things like make peanut sauce again. It's actually pretty good, but keep in mind that statement is coming from someone who hasn't had real peanut butter in over a year.

  14. Haha--I know what you mean about not wanting to be 'that type of person' but for peanut sauce the dehydrated pb actually sounds like a pretty good idea, although with sauce one tablespoon would be pretty thinly-spread out anyway.