|Flickr: Andrea in Amsterdam|
Boot camp workout
This class will be taught be an instructor with zero interpersonal skills and will involve lots of push-ups.
Riding an exercise bike with a heart monitor indoors--designed for people who are too neurotic about burning as many calories as possible to ride a bike outside.
Carbo-loading before a marathon
I run mainly to support my beer and pizza addiction.
Tapering before a marathon
I am an addicted runner averaging 70+ miles per week but my last race time sucked so I have to cut back for my race this weekend. I'm jumping out of my skin right now and have cleaned my house five times this week already.
I do ultras
I am totally batshit crazy and have forgotten how to relate to the rest of humanity because I run so much.
Running on a treadmill
Fitness workout involving getting off your sofa, turning off your TV, riding 2.5 miles on a beautiful day in your car to the gym, running for 30 minutes while watching TV in a temperature-controlled environment, riding 2.5 miles back home, and then watching more TV on the couch.
Any class with a name like 'yoga booty' or 'yoga-pilates fusion'
For the MILF lululemon crowd who don't like all that spiritual shit in other yoga classes.
For 20-30 something women who are terrified they will 'bulk up' if they lift a weight.
For 40-50 something women who are terrified they will 'bulk up' if they lift a weight.
I have an eating disorder.
I'm on a cleanse
I have a raging eating disorder.
I have a raging eating disorder and enough money to spend on nutrition advice from 'wellness experts.'
She has a strong yoga practice
I'll be adjusting this student in advanced arm balances and inversions while the rest of you hang out in downward-facing dog.
Yoga that costs $15 more than a regular class but you can't use your class card.
Classes involving lots of twisting, ab work, and always given before and after the major eating holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years).
I'm doing this for my kids/grandkids
My doctor told me if I don't change my eating habits I'll be dead in a year.
I'm doing this for me
I just got a divorce.
I eat a lot of cupcakes made with weird hydrogenated oils and potato starch and fake, processed soy burgers and am really self-righteous about it.
I'm a vegetarian
I'd like to be a vegan but can't give up cheese.
I'm a pescatarian
I pretty much eat whatever I want but use this as an excuse for not eating Aunt Millie's nine million calorie casseroles at family dinners.
I do Crossfit
I can kick your ass.
I take kickboxing classes
I can't kick your ass but could probably kick you in the face and run away pretty fast.
I do Body Pump
No way in hell could I kick your ass.
It's calories in, calories out
I've been on Weight Watchers since 1983 and still haven't lost weight. OR I live on fat free frozen yogurt, cigarettes, and Tic-Tacs and no muscle tone at all.
I'm a competitive cyclist
I can crush walnuts with my thighs but my nine-year-old daughter has more upper body strength.
Supplements, protein shakes, protein bars
Sustenance for people who do their grocery store shopping at GNC but haven't eaten a vegetable in five years.
I have a $500 juicer, a $300 dehydrator, and spend two hours making my 'all natural' meals every day.
Although the physical benefits of working out are great, I've discovered that the mental and spiritual benefits are actually much greater.
This is actually true and not a euphemism at all.