Wednesday, January 9, 2013

What is your bacon personality?

What is your bacon personality? While most foodies use bacon in a variety of applications, how do you use bacon most often?

Flickr: lynn.gardener
With eggs in the morning: You're probably older and male. Maybe you have a favorite coffee shop where you grab eggs and bacon every day before heading out to the job you've had for the last thirty years. Or your wife makes you breakfast. Then you pass the morning in silence together.  And it's not a good kind of silence. When you go grocery shopping--which is only when your wife is sick--you just grab any box in the frozen foods section labeled 'bacon,' ignoring the brand she told you to buy. Then you make a big deal about the fact you have to go shopping BY YOURSELF to the cashier even though nobody cares. When people look at your food they say, "wow, that looks like a heart attack on a platter" and you have a vague notion that cholesterol is bad and calories are bad but your version of trying to eat healthier is ordering the chicken sandwiches at McDonald's.

Crumbled onto salads: You withhold.  You think crumbled bacon  on a wilted spinach salad is enough--but it's not. You think of yourself as generous and always putting others first but your significant other finds you cold and aloof. He wonders 'what am I doing wrong,' but in this instance, it's not him, it's you. You cook him a perfectly nice meal that you saw Ina Garten make on TV, but what he really wants is to order in the meat lover's pizza from the local Italian joint and to make hot passionate love to you on the sofa while watching the football game.

Flick: konomike
On peanut butter sandwiches: You are the fun, cool mom.  You probably eat these sandwiches with really crispy bacon, toasted, as you read the paper in the morning.  Crispy bacon and slightly burnt rye toast may not be fashionable, but you don't care, just like you don't care about the moms who wear mascara to Parent-Teacher night. You probably eat less healthfully than your kids.  You finish the Jell-O snack pack pudding they don't eat after dinner and raid their bags of Halloween candy for the dark chocolate.  They're healthy and athletic anyway and seem to have a hollow leg, so all of the other kids hate them.

On BLTs: You're very good about rationing out your pleasures to yourself.  You actually like the sanctimonious crunch of the iceberg lettuce against the fat of the bacon, and the icy, healthy sweetness of the tomato. You wear classic clothing and don't mind getting gift certificates at Talbots.  You eat half the sandwich and put the rest in the refrigerator for latter.

In soup: You're a giver.  You care.  You want to feed everyone. You make healthy soup but like the smoky notes the bacon brings to the vegetables and to the leaner cuts of meat like chicken--and ham. You also make decadent chili with crumbled bacon on top.  But you mostly eat standing at the kitchen counter after everyone has finished, sipping the residue from everyone's wine glasses and eating the leftover crackers and cheese from the appetizer plate.

Flickr: jasonlam
With other meats (bacon-wrapped scallops, bacon-wrapped filet mignon): You consider yourself a foodie and you're a bit of a bacon snob.  You're very proud of how much bacon you eat and have all sorts of paraphernalia proclaiming your love of bacon, like a t-shirt that says: "Vegan except for bacon."  Whenever someone says something is good--even the fact that President Obama won a second term as president--you add "but it would be better with bacon."  Dude, there is good bacon and bad bacon.  Greasy, underdone bacon is bad.  If you don't think there is bad bacon, you probably also don't think there are ugly babies, and while no one will say that a baby is ugly, some of them certainly are!

On burgers: You're not much of a sweets person, but you do love your bacon blue cheese burgers.  You could out-drink most of your male friends in college even though you were pretty tiny back then.  You don't remember much of what happened during those years, though, except for the credit card bills your ran up.  You are a 'more is better' kind of a person. Everyone generally likes you and loves when you make your bacon burgers for your summer barbeques.

Flickr: queenkv
On breakfast sandwiches: You are a pretty self-restrained person, but you wish that they served these things all day long, so you could have them with Diet Coke.  Or beer.

With chocolate or in desserts: You get really upset about people who talk about healthy eating and you say things like "love yourself just like you are."  Then you go on crash diets and promptly gain the weight back, eat lots of chocolate and bacon, and the cycle repeats itself. Get over it and restore bacon to its rightful place with things like cheese, eggs, and peanut butter (and not all at once).

Soy bacon: While processed vegetarian chicken patties taste pretty much like regular processed chicken patties and some vegetarian burgers are good, everyone knows that soy bacon is disgusting.  If you eat this stuff, you're really hardcore and trying to prove a point. Even some vegetarians put bacon on their vegan burgers, this stuff is so bad.


  1. I used to eat bacon and eggs for breakfast more often than not, but then I stopped because I didn't want to die. Then maybe a year ago, I had bacon and eggs and felt awful for the rest of the day. Now I'm most likely to use bacon as a minor ingredient in a stew or something -- just the other day I made a pot of Hoppin' John -- so I guess the "in soup" category is where I fall. My germophobia would never allow me to drink the dregs out of others' glasses, but I'd definitely finish off the leftover cheese and crackers.

  2. I loved bacon when I was younger but haven't gone back to being a serious bacon eater, despite no longer being a vegetarian. Like you, I don't mind having a little bit of pork or salami here and there as an ingredient on a very rare occasion, but I don't think I could stomach going back to really thick salami sandwiches or bacon by the slab. Although a part of me wonders if I could...

  3. haha I suppose I fall into the last category...but I actually wasn't really ever big on bacon even when I did eat meat. And I agree that soy bacon tastes nothing like the real deal. :P

  4. @Joanne--I was a vegetarian for more than 13 years, and just ate other products--never the fake bacon!

  5. I recently reacquainted myself with turkey bacon and love it. It's definitely not the same thing a regular bacon, but I've always liked the texture of really lean bacon and most of the bacon at the grocery store is super fatty. Anyway, I fall into the salad and BLT category and am leaning toward the breakfast sandwich category (but for dinner).

  6. @Anna--I need to give turkey bacon a try!Poultry is by far my favorite meat, and it might be a good compromise food for me since I don't seem to crave traditional bacon like I did as a kid. Breakfast sandwiches for dinner, however, sounds awesome--even better than pancakes for dinner.

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