It's Superbowl Sunday!
I admit to not being much of a hot wings fan. My favorite place to eat on my undergraduate campus was called Wes Wings, and during my entire tenure as a Wes student, I never ate a single wing. My favorite cut of chicken is the thigh, which I think has the perfect chicken skin-to-flesh ratio. When I eat a wing, it's like eating skin and bones. And fire, because I am not that into hot sauce, either. But I suppose that is the caveman appeal of the unofficial snack of all Superbowl parties.
There really isn't an official menu for all Superbowl parties, although I know some people like to make representative snacks of the participating teams. Good luck with the bagels and New England clam chowder! (Or, if you wish to be perverse, bagels with New England Brugger's cream cheese and Manhattan Clam Chowder).
However, potato chips are ubiquitous at all Super Bowl parties. And, even if you're going to a party hosted by a single guy whose idea of hospitality is pizza by the foot and a bunch of salty snacks he grabbed an hour before the game, you know there is going to be potato chips. So what do you choose?
Wise or Lay's (or another common brand) plain, thin chips
Sour cream and onion (all brands)
You like strong-tasting foods, and you have trouble controlling yourself around really tasty, fatty food. You're pretty talented as a cook or at very least an assembler of ingredients. You'll bake a loaf of bread and fill its hollow with a sour cream and onion or spinach dip that everyone loves. The trouble is, you'll make another loaf for yourself and eat that as well, and you consider hot artichoke dip a vegetable. The really thin, neurotic woman who brings cut up vegetables to the party kind of annoys you.
Salt and vinegar chips (all brands)
Kettle chips (all brands)
You're not super-into potato chips, but you love these. You're the kind of person who will look at the salty snack table and say, "what, no THAI FLAVORED KETTLE CHIPS" if your host forgets them, kind of but sort of not joking. You're not a big eater, but you're very mindful of what you do eat. Waiters hate you and you're probably rooting for the opposite team that is popular in your area, just to be annoying. Or you're making a big deal about how you don't care about football at all. Don't worry, you don't need to try so hard.
Barbecue flavored chips (all brands)
Ketchup-flavored chips (all brands)
The Rangers are doing surprisingly well this year, although I think it's a little premature to say they have the Stanley Cup in the bag. It's a shame about Sidney Crosby. Oh yes, you're Canadian if you chose these, and are checking the hockey scores if you're at a Superbowl Party. Which you're attending, just to be polite, because that is the Canadian way.
Thick, 'ruffled' potato chips (all brands)
You like using chips as a spoon. You consider the dip just as important as the chip. You still make elaborate sandwiches of tuna or peanut butter with potato chip crumbs. Or just potato chips and mayo on toasted bread. You always eat potato chips from the bag down to the last morsel. The thin chips, however, seem like sad, waif-like copies of their thicker salty brethren. Like Gweneth Paltrow is as an actress, standing next to the talent of Kate Winslet.
'Healthy' potato chips
Cheddar potato chips (all brands and varieties)
Steak-flavored, curry-flavored, or prawn-flavored 'crisps'
So. You've probably been feeling very superior, taking this quiz, because you call potato chips 'crisps,' and Americans can't even figure out what football really is, and we just play rugby with lots of extra padding. And forget trying to explain cricket to an American or the back story behind Shakespeare's Henriad. But before you feel too superior, remember that your culture produced these monstrosities. And they don't even contain real meat--most brands are vegetarian. So think of that when you're reading about Manchester United on iPad if you have to go to a Superbowl Party tonight.