Tell me what peanut butter lies in your refrigerator or cupboard, and I will tell you who you are.
You ate A LOT of peanut butter sandwiches as a kid. You may have been one of those kids who would ONLY eat peanut butter sandwiches with grape or strawberry jelly. You're change-resistant when it comes to food. You never use peanut butter in savory applications, with the possible exception of peanut butter on celery. You have a strong preference for either smooth or chunky and never deviate. You may have a special ritual for eating peanut butter sandwiches, although sometimes you do go crazy and have peanut butter and banana or peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.
You will specifically NOT buy peanut butter if it isn't Jif. You have a sweeter-than-average palate than the typical diner. You bake a lot. Your parents may have used Skippy. You're more flexible about the crunchy-smooth texture thing, but you always use Jif.
You buy your peanut butter in bulk containers at Costco. Peanut butter for you is a purely functional pantry item, kind of like chicken bullion cubes. You probably have kids. You make peanut butter and Fluff sandwiches for your kids, and finish off what your kids don't eat, but you seldom eat peanut butter or cook with it on your own. You buy creamy, but only because your kids won't eat anything but creamy.
Your cardiologist put you on a strict diet. You're elderly and grumpy. This peanut butter tastes really gross, even on honey or bacon. Even WITH honey or bacon. It doesn't matter if you buy smooth or creamy. They both suck and taste slightly fishy. But not as bad as Jiff with Omega-3 fatty acids, which lists tilapia gelatin and anchovy and sardine oil as part of its ingredients.
You feel guilty and are trying to eat healthfully, but not really. Your refrigerator has lots of Yoplait Lite dessert- flavored yogurt. You eat this stuff with bacon or on French toast late at night.
What the fuck? Are you living in the 80s or something? Everyone knows that low-fat peanut butter has more sugar than regular peanut butter, and just as many calories. Throw out your Lean Cuisines and move into the 21st century. Throw away those 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' t-shirts, too.
You want to eat 'clean' but really have the palate of a five-year-old. You eat a lot of gummi bears and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups. New foods kind of scare you so Morningstar vegetarian fake chicken nuggets are your compromise, instead of McDonald's.
You have a raging eating disorder. The peanut butter never makes it into any applications, even toast. You think none of your co-workers know that you puke up the candy you buy from the vending machine at 3pm in the remote bathroom on the fifth floor every day. Peanut butter does not need added chocolate, even before you apply it to candy. Get help.
Small-scale brands of peanut butter with only 'peanuts' as an ingredient
You try to maintain your public image as a 'clean' eater, but secretly hate quinoa.
You're probably a yoga teacher.
You're European and reading this post in your second language. Or you're faux European and pepper your speech with French phrases and references to obscure movies with subtitles. You can eat a croissant smeared with Nutella and leave half of it on your plate. Your fat American co-workers hate you.
You have a container of cashew butter, macadamia nut butter, walnut butter, or another, more obscure 'nut' butter
You self-identify as a 'foodie' and check food blogs, recipe websites, and food news sites all day at work. Then you eat this stuff, standing at the refrigerator with a spoon after bookmarking a recipe for cashew chicken.